Millions of Britons are failing to make adequate plans for their death, and are unaware of the wishes of their loved ones. Joe Meredith, from the Dying Matters Coalition, explains why the stigma around dying needs to be broken.

Where would you want to spend the last moments of your life? For over 70% of people in the UK, the answer to that question is at home, but when the time comes, around half of us die in hospital. Not enough of us are making plans or discussing our end of life wishes, and we’re leaving our loved ones in the dark about what we really want.

Where we stand

Research commissioned by Dying Matters shows that people feel strongly that talking about and planning for death is important. 80% of people believe that all adults should be required to have a will in order to avoid disputes after they have died, and 90% agree that healthcare professionals should receive training in how to talk sensitively to people who are dying, and to their families.

However, we aren’t acting on these views, as:

• over 50% of those with a partner are unaware of their end of life wishes
• only 36% of adults have written a will
• only 34% have registered as an organ donor, or have a donor card
• only 29% have told someone about their funeral wishes
• just 6% have written down their wishes or preferences about their future care, should they be unable to make decisions for themselves

So why are we not having these conversations? There are many reasons, but the British stiff upper lip is certainly a part of it, as well as people seeing death as being a long way off.

So how can we help people to address this?

Starting the conversation

It's not always easy to know how to talk about dying. Awkwardness, embarrassment and fear cause us to shy away from connecting with those who are dying, or with the bereaved. But not talking about these issues can increase feelings of isolation, loneliness and distress.

If you want to talk to loved ones about your end of life wishes, there are ways to make it easier:

• choose the right time and place, where you all feel comfortable
• consider how to start the conversation, perhaps  beginning with a question such as ‘Have you ever thought about…?’
• you may need to reassure the other person that you are not raising these issues because you are ill or dying
• whether  you’re discussing funeral plans, your will, or your future care, be open and honest, and listen to the other person’s feelings and concerns, rather than trying to steer the conversation yourself

Taking action

While it’s important to have open dialogue, it’s also vital to have a clear written plan for the end of life, to ensure that your wishes are met. During Dying Matters Awareness Week in May 2014, people were asked to take these 5 key actions:

• write your will
• record your funeral wishes
• plan your future care and support
• register as an organ donor
• tell loved ones your wishes

You may of course also want to consider other factors, such as lasting power of attorney or other legal issues, or what support your loved ones may need after you die.

About the author

Joe Meredith is communications and information officer for the Dying Matters Coalition. Visit www.dyingmatters.org for resources that help you to talk about, and plan for, the end of life, or for more information, email info@dyingmatters.org or call 0800 021 44 66. You can also follow on Twitter @dyingmatters and on Facebook.